I am leaving Seattle on Friday and I have been down in the dumps for the past few days. So decided to make a list of things that make me happy. Thank you Lily for this amazing idea :)
The following are in no particular order.
1. Bailey Campbell
2. Jordan Tuchek
3. Gina Cervantes
4. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
5. Playing Frisbee
6. Bailey Campbell and Lily Fender
7. Pho
8. Pho with Jordan Tuchek
9. The German word combination "das Auto"
10. Trees
11. Touching trees
12. Rolling around in grass
13. The smell of grass
14. Grass between my toes
15. Sea glass
16. Running around barefoot
17. Laying on the ground
18. My family
19. My dad and I laughing over Family Guy
20. Spongebob and Patrick
21. Watching Glee with Bailey Campbell on Tuesdays
22. Playing with seaweed
23. Cuddling
24. Waterfalls
25. Mount Rainier in the summer time
26. Rain
27. Thunder storms
28. My dogs
29. Sleeping
30. Camping
31. Knitting ugly hats
32. Wearing ugly sweaters I buy from Good Will
33. The smell of new books
34. People that I feel comfortable around immediately
35. Musical theater
36. Love
So, the list is kind of trivial, but it really helped.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Coffee
I just had my first cup of coffee in three weeks. I love coffee, so much. It's like my crack. But this time, since it had been so long since my last cup, I am going insane. My eye balls feel like they are going to pop out of my face and I swear I can feel the blod racing through my veins. These sensations are so strange. I mean, how is this possible? One cup of coffee has never done this to me before. Maybe 6 cups, but one cup? Never. And yeah, I do drink fru-fru drinks, but this has never happened before, ever. In my six years of being an active coffee drinker, I have never felt this way after one cup of this nectar of the gods.
This fidgettiness should probably scare me into never drinking coffee again, but that's not going to happen. It's my crack.
Love is such a traumatically beautiful thing.
It's 1:45 am and I need to go to sleep, but sleep won't come so I am forced to be awake. What better time than to write a new blog post, especially since I haven't posted in like 2 weeks.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (Imagine! Meagan thinks!), about relationships and friendships and how blessed I have been. I seriously have the best friends ever.
I recently decided that I will not be attending University of Washington next year, and instead I will be living at home in Southern California and going to community college down there. Many people have been asking me why I decided to do this. They question why I decide to leave this incredible university to go to a community college. I have been reluctant to answer most people because I have this fear of "throwing my shit in their faces". In my eyes, it's worse to have people act all awkward after hearing about all the deep shit in my life than it is for people to just not know what's going on. At least then no one can judge me and tell me I am being a child.
A week after my doctor placed me on anti-depressants, I saw her again because I wasn't getting the desired effect I wanted from them. So she placed me on an anti-anxiety medication along with my anti-depressants. This combination happens to work beautifully for me. My stress level has been lowered greatly and I'm not so sad anymore. But sadness never really goes away. It's still that numbness that I felt earlier, it's just easier to cope with now.
However, my decision to leave happened a few days before this happened. I decided that because of the changes in my life and how hard it actually was to hear about and deal with my depression, that I needed to move home and be with my family for a while. I decided that I needed help to get through this dark period that my mind is in, and if I didn't get help soon, then my brain would turn into a black whole and it would suck the humanity out of my mind and body with out even a warning to tell me to snap out of it. That sounds dramatic, but that's how I felt. I felt like I would eventually turn crazy, like the people that sit in the back of the bus. You know the ones that I am talking about. The ones that have OCD that need to stomp their right foot 15 times and turn around in 6 circles before they step foot on to the bus. I knew that I wouldn't, but I'm an extremist. Everything and anything that could and will happen will be on one end or the other on the extreme-o-meter (patent pending).
Now, how does this all tie in with friendships and relationships? I guess I really should start with the friendship part. The moment I told my friends I was leaving, I felt so sad, and I think they did too (or at least I hope so), and I didn't know how to deal with it. I usually would just pack up and leave with out caring, but that can't happen this time. These people here in Seattle that I spend my time with are like a filler-family for me. When I was away from my kin, they became this secondary family to me and they all had their little positions. Gwen was my mom, Bailey was my twin sister, Jenica was my crazy aunt, Josh was my child that I always had to keep an eye on, Jordan was my husband, and Gina was my older sister that gave me advice about boys. And that's just a few off the top of my head! How could I just up and leave this new family with out feeling anything? The answer: I couldn't. Sadness was inevitable for me when it comes to leaving these people. They are the best friends that I have ever had. They understand that I am Meagan and I do dumb things sometimes, but that no matter what, I will love them unconditionally.
It was this love that caused me to get super extra sad when Gwen called me last Friday to ask me some questions about finals week. She asked me about my schedule, and I told her that I had a final this coming Saturday, two tests next Wednesday, and an essay to write and turn in by next Thursday, and that I would be gone from Seattle on Friday. She then started telling me that her and my other friends were going to throw a roast for me. At first I was very scared. I was worried that they were going to say really mean things and that I would hate them, but then I remembered that I am dumb, and that these people love me just as much as I love them. I am a part of their secondary family also. So I started to get really sad, so much to the point that I was second guessing my decision to leave. But I realize that I need to be home right now, and that I have to leave these amazing people to detox my brain.
Although I am sad to leave all of them, I am grateful to head home and spend time with my parents and my sisters, even though Chels, my younger sister, is leaving in a few weeks for college. I have been away from them for so long that I have forgotten how my relationships with them work, and I am so excited to figure that out again. They are truly my rock. Not 4 multiple rocks, but one huge boulder to keep me from falling over. They keep me stable. And I love them more than anyone could ever know.
I am really, truly blessed to have every single one of these people in my life. They have all helped me grow in one way or another. They are amazing and I love them so much. I don't think they will ever know how much I love them, but they are all smart. They will figure it out at some point.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (Imagine! Meagan thinks!), about relationships and friendships and how blessed I have been. I seriously have the best friends ever.
I recently decided that I will not be attending University of Washington next year, and instead I will be living at home in Southern California and going to community college down there. Many people have been asking me why I decided to do this. They question why I decide to leave this incredible university to go to a community college. I have been reluctant to answer most people because I have this fear of "throwing my shit in their faces". In my eyes, it's worse to have people act all awkward after hearing about all the deep shit in my life than it is for people to just not know what's going on. At least then no one can judge me and tell me I am being a child.
A week after my doctor placed me on anti-depressants, I saw her again because I wasn't getting the desired effect I wanted from them. So she placed me on an anti-anxiety medication along with my anti-depressants. This combination happens to work beautifully for me. My stress level has been lowered greatly and I'm not so sad anymore. But sadness never really goes away. It's still that numbness that I felt earlier, it's just easier to cope with now.
However, my decision to leave happened a few days before this happened. I decided that because of the changes in my life and how hard it actually was to hear about and deal with my depression, that I needed to move home and be with my family for a while. I decided that I needed help to get through this dark period that my mind is in, and if I didn't get help soon, then my brain would turn into a black whole and it would suck the humanity out of my mind and body with out even a warning to tell me to snap out of it. That sounds dramatic, but that's how I felt. I felt like I would eventually turn crazy, like the people that sit in the back of the bus. You know the ones that I am talking about. The ones that have OCD that need to stomp their right foot 15 times and turn around in 6 circles before they step foot on to the bus. I knew that I wouldn't, but I'm an extremist. Everything and anything that could and will happen will be on one end or the other on the extreme-o-meter (patent pending).
Now, how does this all tie in with friendships and relationships? I guess I really should start with the friendship part. The moment I told my friends I was leaving, I felt so sad, and I think they did too (or at least I hope so), and I didn't know how to deal with it. I usually would just pack up and leave with out caring, but that can't happen this time. These people here in Seattle that I spend my time with are like a filler-family for me. When I was away from my kin, they became this secondary family to me and they all had their little positions. Gwen was my mom, Bailey was my twin sister, Jenica was my crazy aunt, Josh was my child that I always had to keep an eye on, Jordan was my husband, and Gina was my older sister that gave me advice about boys. And that's just a few off the top of my head! How could I just up and leave this new family with out feeling anything? The answer: I couldn't. Sadness was inevitable for me when it comes to leaving these people. They are the best friends that I have ever had. They understand that I am Meagan and I do dumb things sometimes, but that no matter what, I will love them unconditionally.
It was this love that caused me to get super extra sad when Gwen called me last Friday to ask me some questions about finals week. She asked me about my schedule, and I told her that I had a final this coming Saturday, two tests next Wednesday, and an essay to write and turn in by next Thursday, and that I would be gone from Seattle on Friday. She then started telling me that her and my other friends were going to throw a roast for me. At first I was very scared. I was worried that they were going to say really mean things and that I would hate them, but then I remembered that I am dumb, and that these people love me just as much as I love them. I am a part of their secondary family also. So I started to get really sad, so much to the point that I was second guessing my decision to leave. But I realize that I need to be home right now, and that I have to leave these amazing people to detox my brain.
Although I am sad to leave all of them, I am grateful to head home and spend time with my parents and my sisters, even though Chels, my younger sister, is leaving in a few weeks for college. I have been away from them for so long that I have forgotten how my relationships with them work, and I am so excited to figure that out again. They are truly my rock. Not 4 multiple rocks, but one huge boulder to keep me from falling over. They keep me stable. And I love them more than anyone could ever know.
I am really, truly blessed to have every single one of these people in my life. They have all helped me grow in one way or another. They are amazing and I love them so much. I don't think they will ever know how much I love them, but they are all smart. They will figure it out at some point.
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