And 7 months later...

Wow, 7 months. I haven't posted here in 7 months. That seems so strange to me. I was so excited about this. About having a space to place my thoughts and to let feelings and stories and emotions flow out of me as naturally as it did. Honestly, I completely forgot about this until my good friend Kyle had asked me if I was still blogging. Life got in the way. Work, school, dating, and trying to get my shit together really got in the way of things like this.

Since the last time I was here I have moved home, started going to a community college, got a job at a coffee shop not far from my house, and started dating. I was really content. Until recently. I realized that I had gotten boring! Me! Meagan Amanda Heier was boring! How the hell did this happen?! I used to be the girl that people turned to during a sad time because I always had a story to tell after a drunken rampage with my best friend Bailey.

Oh how I miss Bailey. We were such a rock for each other when I was living in Seattle. Friends, no, soul sisters like that come around so rarely that holding on to those people is the most important thing a person could do to keep their sanity. Anyway, back to the point.

I was exciting! I lived for adventure and said "Fuck the man!" every Friday night. And Saturday night. And maybe on the occasional Tuesday afternoon. Then I moved home and started working on myself. I fucked off for a little bit and then I got this job at the coffee shop. Got promoted after 2 months and worked a bunch. I started to be so busy that I was no longer satisfied with relaxing. I had to go go go. I totally got a thrill out of it too. Yes! I was being a productive member of society!

Don't get me wrong, I love how my life is going. I think I am heading down a really awesome path. But last night I made a realization. I never do any thing fun. I work, study, sleep, and drink coffee. That's about it.

So, I need to rediscover my sense of adventure. I miss being exciting. It's time to let loose and be a little less serious.

Things that make me happy

I am leaving Seattle on Friday and I have been down in the dumps for the past few days. So decided to make a list of things that make me happy. Thank you Lily for this amazing idea :)

The following are in no particular order.

1. Bailey Campbell
2. Jordan Tuchek
3. Gina Cervantes
4. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
5. Playing Frisbee
6. Bailey Campbell and Lily Fender
7. Pho
8. Pho with Jordan Tuchek
9. The German word combination "das Auto"
10. Trees
11. Touching trees
12. Rolling around in grass
13. The smell of grass
14. Grass between my toes
15. Sea glass
16. Running around barefoot
17. Laying on the ground
18. My family
19. My dad and I laughing over Family Guy
20. Spongebob and Patrick
21. Watching Glee with Bailey Campbell on Tuesdays
22. Playing with seaweed
23. Cuddling
24. Waterfalls
25. Mount Rainier in the summer time
26. Rain
27. Thunder storms
28. My dogs
29. Sleeping
30. Camping
31. Knitting ugly hats
32. Wearing ugly sweaters I buy from Good Will
33. The smell of new books
34. People that I feel comfortable around immediately
35. Musical theater
36. Love

So, the list is kind of trivial, but it really helped.

Coffee

I just had my first cup of coffee in three weeks. I love coffee, so much. It's like my crack. But this time, since it had been so long since my last cup, I am going insane. My eye balls feel like they are going to pop out of my face and I swear I can feel the blod racing through my veins.

These sensations are so strange. I mean, how is this possible? One cup of coffee has never done this to me before. Maybe 6 cups, but one cup? Never. And yeah, I do drink fru-fru drinks, but this has never happened before, ever. In my six years of being an active coffee drinker, I have never felt this way after one cup of this nectar of the gods.

This fidgettiness should probably scare me into never drinking coffee again, but that's not going to happen. It's my crack.

Love is such a traumatically beautiful thing.

It's 1:45 am and I need to go to sleep, but sleep won't come so I am forced to be awake. What better time than to write a new blog post, especially since I haven't posted in like 2 weeks.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (Imagine! Meagan thinks!), about relationships and friendships and how blessed I have been. I seriously have the best friends ever.

I recently decided that I will not be attending University of Washington next year, and instead I will be living at home in Southern California and going to community college down there. Many people have been asking me why I decided to do this. They question why I decide to leave this incredible university to go to a community college. I have been reluctant to answer most people because I have this fear of "throwing my shit in their faces". In my eyes, it's worse to have people act all awkward after hearing about all the deep shit in my life than it is for people to just not know what's going on. At least then no one can judge me and tell me I am being a child.

A week after my doctor placed me on anti-depressants, I saw her again because I wasn't getting the desired effect I wanted from them. So she placed me on an anti-anxiety medication along with my anti-depressants. This combination happens to work beautifully for me. My stress level has been lowered greatly and I'm not so sad anymore. But sadness never really goes away. It's still that numbness that I felt earlier, it's just easier to cope with now.

However, my decision to leave happened a few days before this happened. I decided that because of the changes in my life and how hard it actually was to hear about and deal with my depression, that I needed to move home and be with my family for a while. I decided that I needed help to get through this dark period that my mind is in, and if I didn't get help soon, then my brain would turn into a black whole and it would suck the humanity out of my mind and body with out even a warning to tell me to snap out of it. That sounds dramatic, but that's how I felt. I felt like I would eventually turn crazy, like the people that sit in the back of the bus. You know the ones that I am talking about. The ones that have OCD that need to stomp their right foot 15 times and turn around in 6 circles before they step foot on to the bus. I knew that I wouldn't, but I'm an extremist. Everything and anything that could and will happen will be on one end or the other on the extreme-o-meter (patent pending).

Now, how does this all tie in with friendships and relationships? I guess I really should start with the friendship part. The moment I told my friends I was leaving, I felt so sad, and I think they did too (or at least I hope so), and I didn't know how to deal with it. I usually would just pack up and leave with out caring, but that can't happen this time. These people here in Seattle that I spend my time with are like a filler-family for me. When I was away from my kin, they became this secondary family to me and they all had their little positions. Gwen was my mom, Bailey was my twin sister, Jenica was my crazy aunt, Josh was my child that I always had to keep an eye on, Jordan was my husband, and Gina was my older sister that gave me advice about boys. And that's just a few off the top of my head! How could I just up and leave this new family with out feeling anything? The answer: I couldn't. Sadness was inevitable for me when it comes to leaving these people. They are the best friends that I have ever had. They understand that I am Meagan and I do dumb things sometimes, but that no matter what, I will love them unconditionally.

It was this love that caused me to get super extra sad when Gwen called me last Friday to ask me some questions about finals week. She asked me about my schedule, and I told her that I had a final this coming Saturday, two tests next Wednesday, and an essay to write and turn in by next Thursday, and that I would be gone from Seattle on Friday. She then started telling me that her and my other friends were going to throw a roast for me. At first I was very scared. I was worried that they were going to say really mean things and that I would hate them, but then I remembered that I am dumb, and that these people love me just as much as I love them. I am a part of their secondary family also. So I started to get really sad, so much to the point that I was second guessing my decision to leave. But I realize that I need to be home right now, and that I have to leave these amazing people to detox my brain.

Although I am sad to leave all of them, I am grateful to head home and spend time with my parents and my sisters, even though Chels, my younger sister, is leaving in a few weeks for college. I have been away from them for so long that I have forgotten how my relationships with them work, and I am so excited to figure that out again. They are truly my rock. Not 4 multiple rocks, but one huge boulder to keep me from falling over. They keep me stable. And I love them more than anyone could ever know.

I am really, truly blessed to have every single one of these people in my life. They have all helped me grow in one way or another. They are amazing and I love them so much. I don't think they will ever know how much I love them, but they are all smart. They will figure it out at some point.

Dogs and things

Today was a really good day. So good that I felt the need to post here. But now I realize that I have nothing else to say, and it's probably a waste of your time to read this, so I give you a picture of a dog.

Too serious

I haven’t really blogged about my medication life lately, and it’s something I really want to talk about right now.

Back in February, I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depressants. I was originally stoked for this. I was all like, “Yeah man! I’m never going to be sad again!” I really was so excited. And I really thought that it wouldn’t take a toll on my brain and what I think about myself. I honestly thought that it was just another medication that I had to take to make myself “normal”. I ended up being very wrong. Learning to cope with my depression has actually been kind of hard for me to deal with. I can’t really explain it, but some days the world comes crashing down on me and I can’t get it off. Here is an example of one of those days:

A couple weeks after starting on this medication, I met my family in Las Vegas for my little sister’s volleyball tournament. The night I flew in, I was so tired. I hadn’t slept for thirty plus hours and I desperately needed to. So after a nice dinner with my parents and possibly the funniest couple I have ever met in my life, my parents and I headed to the hotel. I really needed to sleep, but I stayed up for a couple hours with my parents, and watched TV and caught up and stuff. We actually talked a little bit about the defunding of Planned Parenthood, and props to my wonderful mother for being such a good sport. She doesn’t usually like to listen to my dad and I debate about politics. (I am liberal and he is conservative, and that can lead to a few heated discussions, but we both love it so much. Luckily, him and I have a similar sense of humor. Our debates usually end in talking about farts or watching a hilarious video on You Tube, such as Dramatic Chipmunk. We love that one.) Mom actually put in her two-cents, which I thought was fantastic! I had never heard her talk about her stance on political issues and it was nice to find out that her and I have similar views. (Go Mom!)

So we did eventually all go to bed (I had to sleep on the pull out mattress in the couch, and it was really sucky.) I ended up waking up late because I needed sleep so badly, and I felt so bad but my parents were very nice. They told me to take my time getting ready and that they would come back later and pick me up. So that’s what I did.

That morning, while I was taking my medication, I was really worried how I was going to behave around my parents and how they would react to my behavior. It’s not like it was anything to worry about, but they had never seen me on this type of medication before, so it was a stressful moment for me. Looking back on it, I think I was worried because before with the Adderall, my parents had decided to put me on medication, and with the anti-depressants it was my decision. I can actually say that this was the first real adult decision I have made. I think I was nervous because I felt like I needed their approval of this medication. Now I realize that it’s really my happiness and success that matter, and if this medication helps, then that’s what I need.

In case you were wondering, my behavior was completely normal that day. It’s not like I was acting out or being socially awkward.

The real problem happened when the medication wore off. One thing I have noticed on anti-depressants is that it’s very easy to tell when they are no longer in your system. “How?” you ask? Here is how.

The world sucks. Everything becomes so much worse than it should be. And here are a couple examples.

While my sister was playing that day, I noticed approximately four ants on the ground (actually, it was exactly four) and whenever I see bugs anywhere, I kill them. I always have, well at least ever since a brown recluse bit me when I was 7. So, naturally, I killed those four ants. Usually it wouldn’t have been a big deal at all, but this time, I felt like scum. I killed four ants! Killed! Meaning I took four innocent lives! Those ants could have been the best ants ever! They could have been champion ant Olympians, and I ruined their careers! They were mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters! I broke their families! I am a life ruin-er!

I almost started crying right then and there, but I realized that I was blowing the situation out of proportion. So I calmed my self down.

We later went to Wendy’s and the woman that took our order had horrible teeth, and something similar happened. I felt so bad that she didn’t have all her teeth and the ones that were there weren’t straight or white. I almost started to cry again because I felt bad for this woman and her teeth. But I calmed my self down again.

Sometimes I like being on anti-depressants. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I become numb and really just don’t care about anything. And being numb is probably the worst feeling in the world. Other times, it feels like I have a buffer on my life. Like if something bad happens, I will be okay. That doesn’t happen very often though. It’s usually just the numbness. Maybe I just have to get used to the medication, but I really hate it right now. It’s making it much harder for me to accept that I have depression, which probably shouldn’t be happening. The numbness is confusing my body. I want to cry because that’s what I am used to doing when I am feeling down, but it’s like someone turned off my tear ducts.

However, yesterday I saw my doctor again, and she prescribed me the same medication, but a longer-lasting kind. So that’s probably why I am feeling the numbness. I need to get used to this new dosage. But I don’t want to. I just want to cry.

Yes. I did just write about burritos.

Chipotle.

It's the best experience ever:

You walk in the front door and grimace at the horribly long line in front of you. "Why does everyone love the best food in the world?" you think to yourself. But you join the line anyway because you know that it's going to be worth it.

While you are waiting in line, you are thinking about what you are going to get. You think to yourself, "Do I want pinto beans or black beans? Chicken or steak? Wait! Do I want tacos this time? That might be nice. I know! I am going to get a carnitas burrito bowl with pinto beans! Yes! That is going to be so good!" And you are so proud of yourself too, because you are finally branching out and trying something new.

There is nothing like the feeling of finally making it up to the glass shield covering all the scrumptious fillings for your gold-wrapped, amazing burrito. But you decided that you weren't going to get a burrito. A burrito bowl is what's up. But you see the tortilla guy warming up all those delicious, huge flour torillas and you impulsively say, "Steak burrito with black beans". You know that this isn't what you want and you are beating yourself up over the fact that you gave into your usual order. But this way you most definitely know that you will be leaving satisfied.

This next step is the hardest part of the burrito process. You get to the salsa/lettuce/cheese/sour cream/guacamole section. You know that you want tomatoes, corn, lettuce, and cheese, but the guac part is the hardest. Do you splurge and spend $1.80 on some guacamole that will take your burrito to the next level, or do you settle for a delicious pocket from heaven? The answer: do it. You get your guacamole on your burrito because you know you will regret it if you don't.

After you pay for your food, you go find the cleanest table, and sit down. You take your first bite, and it's probably all rice, but you keep eating until the top layer of tortilla is gone and you can align your burrito in a fashion that allows you take a bite with every flavor in it. As soon as you think you are ready, you dive in. Oh how delicious. Words cannot express how much flavor and love is having a fiesta in your mouth. It's so good that you keep eating and eating. You might look like a rabid animal devouring your food in a way that is not socially acceptable, but you don't care. You can't take a break from something this delicious.

You notice that you are content and full around the midpoint of the burrito. But it's just so good that you can't stop, so you man up and dive back in, but more slowly because you can feel your stomach stretching and becoming more uncomfortable.

After you reach your "Hey, I just ate three-quarters of this burrito!" point, you set your burrito down and look at it. You think, "I can't do it. It's too much. I am in pain because I am so full." So you push your burrito away and just look at it for a little bit.

After looking at your burrito for about ten minutes, you say, "Fuck it. I am finishing this burrito." You eat your burrito in silence, and after you are done you lean back and sit in pain, but you are so happy.

So very happy.