People are like food. You love the types that are the worst for you, like a big piece of devil's food cake with chocolate ganache. And you hate the types that are good for you that your body will love, like brussel sprouts.
And some people are like Cobb salad.
Cobb salad appears to be healthy, you know, because it's a salad. It has romaine lettuce, carrots, cherry tomatoes, hard boiled eggs, avocado, ham, and cheese. I mean it's not perfect but it provides you with a good source of veggies and proteins that will fulfill your day. You think that your body will love you! Woo way to go being healthy! And damn it tastes good too. But after a few bites you look closer. The romaine is actually iceburg and it's still a little bit wilted. There are like five pieces of carrot, and your cherry tomatoes aren't quite sweet enough. The hard boiled eggs are over done and your avocado is just a little bit too brown. And then you remember that ham and cheese actually both have quite a bit of fat, but you continue on anyway. You keep eating because it's better to have something than nothing. And although it's not all that bad for you, you kind of hate it because you spent money and time on it but you decided to finish it anyway. At this point it really sucks. And then you hit the bottom of the bowl. Bacon. So much bacon everywhere. You love bacon. You live for bacon. You love this Cobb salad because of the FUCKING BACON! Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. BACON! It's so bad for you and you should be upset but you love that fucking bacon because it is fucking bacon. And then you are done.
No more bacon. No more salad. It's all gone.
Now I can't speak for you, but I try not to eat Cobb salad. Even though I order it from time to time, it can be a very tiresome routine. It's never different, and always the same. Boring. Cobb salad is boring.
That only leaves 2 solutions: discover a devil's food cake that won't kill us or learn to love brussel sprouts.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Love
Love is kind of a new feeling for me. I always saw myself as a kind of heartless, cold person until recently. I'm discovered a love for myself and others that is so strong and so necessary, that it's hard to believe that anyone could turn it away. But then I remember that I was once that person that turned love away. I had someone that stupidly loved me and I didn't want it. But now I realize that love is essential. That with out love, you don't learn about your self and you don't ever grow. But unfortunately love and hurt go hand in hand and it sucks. Haha. But love doesn't suck, just the hurt part. The love part is awesome and fulfilling and the best feeling in the world.
I love love.
I love love.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Gullibility
I'm a gullible person. Tell me anything that you think will make me happy, and I will believe you.
Mostly people think being gullible is something to stay away from. They think that believing something that might not be true is a bad thing. But why?
I often find myself in situations that allow me to make a decision between choosing to stay safe or getting hurt. And I always choose the option that will hurt me. I think this is because I have so much hope for a brighter future or for a change that I helped create. I think it's because I like to fix things. I like to figure things out and make them better because it would make me so ridiculously happy to look at that thing and say, "You see that? I did that." But sometimes this doesn't work and I leave that thing, and often myself, in a pile of broken pieces on the floor.
Now before you start thinking that this is just another sob story written by the Meagan of eight or nine months ago, you can stop reading and go back to your video game, Facebook conversation, school paper, or whatever the hell you were doing. I apologize for the bluntness, but this not one of those memoirs.
As a child, I was full of curiosity. Ask my mother. I one time ate a whole jar of iron pills because I didn't know what they were and I was curious about how they tasted. I obviously liked the first one because I ate the whole freaking jar! Crazy right? Like seriously? Who the hell does that? Especially a little kid. Little kids are supposed to be picky eaters or whatever. I guess not me.
This curiosity has followed me to my early adult life. I am curious about everything. I push boundaries and wonder what would happen if I did something that everyone told me not to do. In other words, I try to prove others wrong by just "doing it anyway." For example, I took a computer science course on how to write in Java. I only took it to "prove everyone wrong" that told me that it was hard. And yeah it was easy. The first two weeks at least. I mean, I clearly failed that class. It was actually stupid how hard it was. Clearly I'm not as computer savvy as I thought.
I like to relate curiosity to being hopeful because whenever one is curious about something, they always hope for the best possible out come. When I feel the thing I so hopefully wish for start pulling away, I freak out. Seriously. I try to force it closer and yell at it and tell it that it can't ever leave me. It has to stay a possibility because I start to lose sight of everything else, and with out this thing, I really am lost. This is where the being gullible ties in.
I always make up all these stupid excuses for all these things to explain all the wrong and bad about them. And eventually these excuses become my actual reality. I am so gullible that I can even trick myself into thinking that my false sense of reality created by these excuses are actually happening.
The brain is a fickle friend, isn't it? It tries to manifest all these fake ideas to pacify you until it's actually true. This seems like it would totally suck to experience. To a realist anyway. But being a realist isn't always a possibility for everyone.
I am more of an optimist than anything else. I choose to be an optimist because I love being hopeful. I love waking up each morning only to think to myself that this day is going to be amazing. That today is the day that nothing will go wrong, and that everything will be perfect. I like to be able to try to convince myself that everything is going to end up just the way I want it to. And when this does happen, I am the happiest princess at the ball. To know that you created this perfect moment is amazing and wonderful and beautiful. It's empowering.
So yeah, I am gullible. But I choose to be gullible. I choose to wake up each day hoping that I believe the excuses and lies I tell myself because of the slight chance they could end up being true. Because having that beautiful feeling overcome me for a slight period of time totally out weighs all those bad feelings that I could have if I chose to tell myself that each day is going to be shittier than the last.
Mostly people think being gullible is something to stay away from. They think that believing something that might not be true is a bad thing. But why?
I often find myself in situations that allow me to make a decision between choosing to stay safe or getting hurt. And I always choose the option that will hurt me. I think this is because I have so much hope for a brighter future or for a change that I helped create. I think it's because I like to fix things. I like to figure things out and make them better because it would make me so ridiculously happy to look at that thing and say, "You see that? I did that." But sometimes this doesn't work and I leave that thing, and often myself, in a pile of broken pieces on the floor.
Now before you start thinking that this is just another sob story written by the Meagan of eight or nine months ago, you can stop reading and go back to your video game, Facebook conversation, school paper, or whatever the hell you were doing. I apologize for the bluntness, but this not one of those memoirs.
As a child, I was full of curiosity. Ask my mother. I one time ate a whole jar of iron pills because I didn't know what they were and I was curious about how they tasted. I obviously liked the first one because I ate the whole freaking jar! Crazy right? Like seriously? Who the hell does that? Especially a little kid. Little kids are supposed to be picky eaters or whatever. I guess not me.
This curiosity has followed me to my early adult life. I am curious about everything. I push boundaries and wonder what would happen if I did something that everyone told me not to do. In other words, I try to prove others wrong by just "doing it anyway." For example, I took a computer science course on how to write in Java. I only took it to "prove everyone wrong" that told me that it was hard. And yeah it was easy. The first two weeks at least. I mean, I clearly failed that class. It was actually stupid how hard it was. Clearly I'm not as computer savvy as I thought.
I like to relate curiosity to being hopeful because whenever one is curious about something, they always hope for the best possible out come. When I feel the thing I so hopefully wish for start pulling away, I freak out. Seriously. I try to force it closer and yell at it and tell it that it can't ever leave me. It has to stay a possibility because I start to lose sight of everything else, and with out this thing, I really am lost. This is where the being gullible ties in.
I always make up all these stupid excuses for all these things to explain all the wrong and bad about them. And eventually these excuses become my actual reality. I am so gullible that I can even trick myself into thinking that my false sense of reality created by these excuses are actually happening.
The brain is a fickle friend, isn't it? It tries to manifest all these fake ideas to pacify you until it's actually true. This seems like it would totally suck to experience. To a realist anyway. But being a realist isn't always a possibility for everyone.
I am more of an optimist than anything else. I choose to be an optimist because I love being hopeful. I love waking up each morning only to think to myself that this day is going to be amazing. That today is the day that nothing will go wrong, and that everything will be perfect. I like to be able to try to convince myself that everything is going to end up just the way I want it to. And when this does happen, I am the happiest princess at the ball. To know that you created this perfect moment is amazing and wonderful and beautiful. It's empowering.
So yeah, I am gullible. But I choose to be gullible. I choose to wake up each day hoping that I believe the excuses and lies I tell myself because of the slight chance they could end up being true. Because having that beautiful feeling overcome me for a slight period of time totally out weighs all those bad feelings that I could have if I chose to tell myself that each day is going to be shittier than the last.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
And 7 months later...
Wow, 7 months. I haven't posted here in 7 months. That seems so strange to me. I was so excited about this. About having a space to place my thoughts and to let feelings and stories and emotions flow out of me as naturally as it did. Honestly, I completely forgot about this until my good friend Kyle had asked me if I was still blogging. Life got in the way. Work, school, dating, and trying to get my shit together really got in the way of things like this.
Since the last time I was here I have moved home, started going to a community college, got a job at a coffee shop not far from my house, and started dating. I was really content. Until recently. I realized that I had gotten boring! Me! Meagan Amanda Heier was boring! How the hell did this happen?! I used to be the girl that people turned to during a sad time because I always had a story to tell after a drunken rampage with my best friend Bailey.
Oh how I miss Bailey. We were such a rock for each other when I was living in Seattle. Friends, no, soul sisters like that come around so rarely that holding on to those people is the most important thing a person could do to keep their sanity. Anyway, back to the point.
I was exciting! I lived for adventure and said "Fuck the man!" every Friday night. And Saturday night. And maybe on the occasional Tuesday afternoon. Then I moved home and started working on myself. I fucked off for a little bit and then I got this job at the coffee shop. Got promoted after 2 months and worked a bunch. I started to be so busy that I was no longer satisfied with relaxing. I had to go go go. I totally got a thrill out of it too. Yes! I was being a productive member of society!
Don't get me wrong, I love how my life is going. I think I am heading down a really awesome path. But last night I made a realization. I never do any thing fun. I work, study, sleep, and drink coffee. That's about it.
So, I need to rediscover my sense of adventure. I miss being exciting. It's time to let loose and be a little less serious.
Since the last time I was here I have moved home, started going to a community college, got a job at a coffee shop not far from my house, and started dating. I was really content. Until recently. I realized that I had gotten boring! Me! Meagan Amanda Heier was boring! How the hell did this happen?! I used to be the girl that people turned to during a sad time because I always had a story to tell after a drunken rampage with my best friend Bailey.
Oh how I miss Bailey. We were such a rock for each other when I was living in Seattle. Friends, no, soul sisters like that come around so rarely that holding on to those people is the most important thing a person could do to keep their sanity. Anyway, back to the point.
I was exciting! I lived for adventure and said "Fuck the man!" every Friday night. And Saturday night. And maybe on the occasional Tuesday afternoon. Then I moved home and started working on myself. I fucked off for a little bit and then I got this job at the coffee shop. Got promoted after 2 months and worked a bunch. I started to be so busy that I was no longer satisfied with relaxing. I had to go go go. I totally got a thrill out of it too. Yes! I was being a productive member of society!
Don't get me wrong, I love how my life is going. I think I am heading down a really awesome path. But last night I made a realization. I never do any thing fun. I work, study, sleep, and drink coffee. That's about it.
So, I need to rediscover my sense of adventure. I miss being exciting. It's time to let loose and be a little less serious.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Things that make me happy
I am leaving Seattle on Friday and I have been down in the dumps for the past few days. So decided to make a list of things that make me happy. Thank you Lily for this amazing idea :)
The following are in no particular order.
1. Bailey Campbell
2. Jordan Tuchek
3. Gina Cervantes
4. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
5. Playing Frisbee
6. Bailey Campbell and Lily Fender
7. Pho
8. Pho with Jordan Tuchek
9. The German word combination "das Auto"
10. Trees
11. Touching trees
12. Rolling around in grass
13. The smell of grass
14. Grass between my toes
15. Sea glass
16. Running around barefoot
17. Laying on the ground
18. My family
19. My dad and I laughing over Family Guy
20. Spongebob and Patrick
21. Watching Glee with Bailey Campbell on Tuesdays
22. Playing with seaweed
23. Cuddling
24. Waterfalls
25. Mount Rainier in the summer time
26. Rain
27. Thunder storms
28. My dogs
29. Sleeping
30. Camping
31. Knitting ugly hats
32. Wearing ugly sweaters I buy from Good Will
33. The smell of new books
34. People that I feel comfortable around immediately
35. Musical theater
36. Love
So, the list is kind of trivial, but it really helped.
The following are in no particular order.
1. Bailey Campbell
2. Jordan Tuchek
3. Gina Cervantes
4. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
5. Playing Frisbee
6. Bailey Campbell and Lily Fender
7. Pho
8. Pho with Jordan Tuchek
9. The German word combination "das Auto"
10. Trees
11. Touching trees
12. Rolling around in grass
13. The smell of grass
14. Grass between my toes
15. Sea glass
16. Running around barefoot
17. Laying on the ground
18. My family
19. My dad and I laughing over Family Guy
20. Spongebob and Patrick
21. Watching Glee with Bailey Campbell on Tuesdays
22. Playing with seaweed
23. Cuddling
24. Waterfalls
25. Mount Rainier in the summer time
26. Rain
27. Thunder storms
28. My dogs
29. Sleeping
30. Camping
31. Knitting ugly hats
32. Wearing ugly sweaters I buy from Good Will
33. The smell of new books
34. People that I feel comfortable around immediately
35. Musical theater
36. Love
So, the list is kind of trivial, but it really helped.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Coffee
I just had my first cup of coffee in three weeks. I love coffee, so much. It's like my crack. But this time, since it had been so long since my last cup, I am going insane. My eye balls feel like they are going to pop out of my face and I swear I can feel the blod racing through my veins. These sensations are so strange. I mean, how is this possible? One cup of coffee has never done this to me before. Maybe 6 cups, but one cup? Never. And yeah, I do drink fru-fru drinks, but this has never happened before, ever. In my six years of being an active coffee drinker, I have never felt this way after one cup of this nectar of the gods.
This fidgettiness should probably scare me into never drinking coffee again, but that's not going to happen. It's my crack.
Love is such a traumatically beautiful thing.
It's 1:45 am and I need to go to sleep, but sleep won't come so I am forced to be awake. What better time than to write a new blog post, especially since I haven't posted in like 2 weeks.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (Imagine! Meagan thinks!), about relationships and friendships and how blessed I have been. I seriously have the best friends ever.
I recently decided that I will not be attending University of Washington next year, and instead I will be living at home in Southern California and going to community college down there. Many people have been asking me why I decided to do this. They question why I decide to leave this incredible university to go to a community college. I have been reluctant to answer most people because I have this fear of "throwing my shit in their faces". In my eyes, it's worse to have people act all awkward after hearing about all the deep shit in my life than it is for people to just not know what's going on. At least then no one can judge me and tell me I am being a child.
A week after my doctor placed me on anti-depressants, I saw her again because I wasn't getting the desired effect I wanted from them. So she placed me on an anti-anxiety medication along with my anti-depressants. This combination happens to work beautifully for me. My stress level has been lowered greatly and I'm not so sad anymore. But sadness never really goes away. It's still that numbness that I felt earlier, it's just easier to cope with now.
However, my decision to leave happened a few days before this happened. I decided that because of the changes in my life and how hard it actually was to hear about and deal with my depression, that I needed to move home and be with my family for a while. I decided that I needed help to get through this dark period that my mind is in, and if I didn't get help soon, then my brain would turn into a black whole and it would suck the humanity out of my mind and body with out even a warning to tell me to snap out of it. That sounds dramatic, but that's how I felt. I felt like I would eventually turn crazy, like the people that sit in the back of the bus. You know the ones that I am talking about. The ones that have OCD that need to stomp their right foot 15 times and turn around in 6 circles before they step foot on to the bus. I knew that I wouldn't, but I'm an extremist. Everything and anything that could and will happen will be on one end or the other on the extreme-o-meter (patent pending).
Now, how does this all tie in with friendships and relationships? I guess I really should start with the friendship part. The moment I told my friends I was leaving, I felt so sad, and I think they did too (or at least I hope so), and I didn't know how to deal with it. I usually would just pack up and leave with out caring, but that can't happen this time. These people here in Seattle that I spend my time with are like a filler-family for me. When I was away from my kin, they became this secondary family to me and they all had their little positions. Gwen was my mom, Bailey was my twin sister, Jenica was my crazy aunt, Josh was my child that I always had to keep an eye on, Jordan was my husband, and Gina was my older sister that gave me advice about boys. And that's just a few off the top of my head! How could I just up and leave this new family with out feeling anything? The answer: I couldn't. Sadness was inevitable for me when it comes to leaving these people. They are the best friends that I have ever had. They understand that I am Meagan and I do dumb things sometimes, but that no matter what, I will love them unconditionally.
It was this love that caused me to get super extra sad when Gwen called me last Friday to ask me some questions about finals week. She asked me about my schedule, and I told her that I had a final this coming Saturday, two tests next Wednesday, and an essay to write and turn in by next Thursday, and that I would be gone from Seattle on Friday. She then started telling me that her and my other friends were going to throw a roast for me. At first I was very scared. I was worried that they were going to say really mean things and that I would hate them, but then I remembered that I am dumb, and that these people love me just as much as I love them. I am a part of their secondary family also. So I started to get really sad, so much to the point that I was second guessing my decision to leave. But I realize that I need to be home right now, and that I have to leave these amazing people to detox my brain.
Although I am sad to leave all of them, I am grateful to head home and spend time with my parents and my sisters, even though Chels, my younger sister, is leaving in a few weeks for college. I have been away from them for so long that I have forgotten how my relationships with them work, and I am so excited to figure that out again. They are truly my rock. Not 4 multiple rocks, but one huge boulder to keep me from falling over. They keep me stable. And I love them more than anyone could ever know.
I am really, truly blessed to have every single one of these people in my life. They have all helped me grow in one way or another. They are amazing and I love them so much. I don't think they will ever know how much I love them, but they are all smart. They will figure it out at some point.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (Imagine! Meagan thinks!), about relationships and friendships and how blessed I have been. I seriously have the best friends ever.
I recently decided that I will not be attending University of Washington next year, and instead I will be living at home in Southern California and going to community college down there. Many people have been asking me why I decided to do this. They question why I decide to leave this incredible university to go to a community college. I have been reluctant to answer most people because I have this fear of "throwing my shit in their faces". In my eyes, it's worse to have people act all awkward after hearing about all the deep shit in my life than it is for people to just not know what's going on. At least then no one can judge me and tell me I am being a child.
A week after my doctor placed me on anti-depressants, I saw her again because I wasn't getting the desired effect I wanted from them. So she placed me on an anti-anxiety medication along with my anti-depressants. This combination happens to work beautifully for me. My stress level has been lowered greatly and I'm not so sad anymore. But sadness never really goes away. It's still that numbness that I felt earlier, it's just easier to cope with now.
However, my decision to leave happened a few days before this happened. I decided that because of the changes in my life and how hard it actually was to hear about and deal with my depression, that I needed to move home and be with my family for a while. I decided that I needed help to get through this dark period that my mind is in, and if I didn't get help soon, then my brain would turn into a black whole and it would suck the humanity out of my mind and body with out even a warning to tell me to snap out of it. That sounds dramatic, but that's how I felt. I felt like I would eventually turn crazy, like the people that sit in the back of the bus. You know the ones that I am talking about. The ones that have OCD that need to stomp their right foot 15 times and turn around in 6 circles before they step foot on to the bus. I knew that I wouldn't, but I'm an extremist. Everything and anything that could and will happen will be on one end or the other on the extreme-o-meter (patent pending).
Now, how does this all tie in with friendships and relationships? I guess I really should start with the friendship part. The moment I told my friends I was leaving, I felt so sad, and I think they did too (or at least I hope so), and I didn't know how to deal with it. I usually would just pack up and leave with out caring, but that can't happen this time. These people here in Seattle that I spend my time with are like a filler-family for me. When I was away from my kin, they became this secondary family to me and they all had their little positions. Gwen was my mom, Bailey was my twin sister, Jenica was my crazy aunt, Josh was my child that I always had to keep an eye on, Jordan was my husband, and Gina was my older sister that gave me advice about boys. And that's just a few off the top of my head! How could I just up and leave this new family with out feeling anything? The answer: I couldn't. Sadness was inevitable for me when it comes to leaving these people. They are the best friends that I have ever had. They understand that I am Meagan and I do dumb things sometimes, but that no matter what, I will love them unconditionally.
It was this love that caused me to get super extra sad when Gwen called me last Friday to ask me some questions about finals week. She asked me about my schedule, and I told her that I had a final this coming Saturday, two tests next Wednesday, and an essay to write and turn in by next Thursday, and that I would be gone from Seattle on Friday. She then started telling me that her and my other friends were going to throw a roast for me. At first I was very scared. I was worried that they were going to say really mean things and that I would hate them, but then I remembered that I am dumb, and that these people love me just as much as I love them. I am a part of their secondary family also. So I started to get really sad, so much to the point that I was second guessing my decision to leave. But I realize that I need to be home right now, and that I have to leave these amazing people to detox my brain.
Although I am sad to leave all of them, I am grateful to head home and spend time with my parents and my sisters, even though Chels, my younger sister, is leaving in a few weeks for college. I have been away from them for so long that I have forgotten how my relationships with them work, and I am so excited to figure that out again. They are truly my rock. Not 4 multiple rocks, but one huge boulder to keep me from falling over. They keep me stable. And I love them more than anyone could ever know.
I am really, truly blessed to have every single one of these people in my life. They have all helped me grow in one way or another. They are amazing and I love them so much. I don't think they will ever know how much I love them, but they are all smart. They will figure it out at some point.
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